andinbetween

The fear of not doing well in something you enjoy can take away that delight.

The first sem for honours year was wrecked by constant thoughts on whether I'll do well enough to secure a good classification. Whether I will be able to match the previous somewhat stellar grades I have achieved. To put it in another way, to show that I have deserved those results. The accumulation of work from previous two years is the first step of getting into the honours programme. Honours classification takes into account only this year's grades, which means starting over from scratch, with every assignment and presentation contributing to the outcome. I recently realised I can't deal with this pressure from myself. I'm horrible with stress in the first place. I worry too much. All that emphasis on results relieves me of the original relish I had of the course and its contents. There appears to be a lack of motivation too, perhaps due to starting out too garang and not pacing myself. Or it could be due to uncertainty of what lies beyond the course. Do I really, really want a Masters? If so, in what? Where? Which field do I want to work in? I'm the kind of person who can't focus on doing something without knowing what's ahead, because at the back of my mind, I'll be thinking 'what if this leads to nothing'.

This coming sem, I'm going to rediscover the interest for subject and appreciate it for what it's worth, and give grades less priority.  Maybe subconciously I'm thinking by doing so I will experience the excitement in learning again, and naturally results will come, hahah. Sneaky unconscious.

Anyway, the year is coming to an end, again. This year has been memorable, because I've been called uncle alot. I guess it signifies a key milestone in life, to evolve from korkor at a tender age of twenty three. Of course, there has been plenty of other more critical, and also  some not so important but still deservingly remembered events and happenings, which I have to, and I think we all will, reflect on in these remaining days of 2011. Alas, I'm not the elaborate sort of person and I've been keeping entries to the minimum, understood by those implicated or at most times, myself. So I will continue to brood over the moments in my head.

Probably the last entry of the year. Would love to write more.

Happy New Year People!